At War with Myself
Nine year old me’s prayer went something like,
“God please grant my family a place in heavens, please keep us all on the right path, please bring all people who have gone astray to the right path as well, please help everyone become into good people and grant us ALL a place in heaven, please make sure we all live long lives, are healthy, prosperous and happy. God please make me pretty and make my parents proud of me.”
So beautifully thoughtful and caring, except with a minor flaw; a flaw that becomes into an obsession for many and corrupts our society. In essence this reflects the upbringing and culture of a modern Pakistani woman.
I am told and made feel lucky to be given equal opportunity growing up; and when I look around me at other women back home; I too, feel grateful for it. But is it right? No, it’s simply not.
The right side of my brain; which is responsible for memory, upbringing, experiences etc., is at war with the left side of my brain; which is responsible for logic and reasoning. I KNOW it is a basic human right to be treated equally, but I can’t help be grateful for being treated with this ‘privilege’.
I can’t help be conscious about the way I look or being well kept- that’s the constant indoctrination I was surrounded by. I don’t want it to define me as a person, but I can’t get myself to not care about it either. My intellectual brilliance is great, a good to have rather, but just not good enough. Why? Why can I not feel complete?
My people have a lot of inspiring and humble values to offer; yet the best of us are caught up in the little caveats, which today dictate and define the forefront our society. It breaks my heart to admit that this, once pure and beautiful culture, is now the pit of false judgment, pride and pretension.
Growing up, when I would visit my paternal side of the family, where the scarf on my head was a statement for my moral grounds. It was unheard of to roam around showing any part of your body but your face; simply unacceptable. Stark contrast to my maternal side where latest trends, handbags and shoes defined your status in society. It’s ironic how we shun other cultures for their ‘cast’ system, yet we very much have the same ideology, without official labels- but that’s a topic for another day.
It’s both a privilege and curse to experience both sides. Yet there are some cohesive beliefs uniting these worlds; helping others, being a good person, honesty, integrity- alongside obligations as a woman -> being a virtuous daughter, a sacrificing wife, a nurturing mother- the list goes on.
I grew up in the United Arab Emirates, where cultural diversity is in abundance. However the majority of the country still shares similar values- not starkly different from what I knew.
Add another layer of abstraction; I moved to Canada. Different values, different lifestyles, different perspectives. As if the differences between my own communities weren’t enough, add more perplexity to the equation.
Which brings me to the war I have going on with myself, the war between the left and right sides of my brain; logic says one thing and upbringing drives me to the other.
Best part though? I get to pick and choose my own set of values that define who I am.
The responsibility of society however, is to respect me for who I choose to become; not my race, not my culture, not the stereotyped me. I don’t feel compelled to ‘break free’ from the supposed stereotypes of who I am suppose to be; because it too has played a part in defining whom I am today.
Let’s take this day to celebrate differences and experiences we all have, it is what makes each and every one of us unique.
Happy International Women’s Day!
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